Üheksas.. Once I had a beautiful black rose..

I'm going to write this post in english (so f you can't read english than sucks to be you) actually ths post is meant for one person and I know that she can read english just fine.. Why English you ask.. Well I have always had it much more easier to express myself in English..

Anyhow.. They say friendship is a plant.. If you don't take care of it.. It wilt's and dyes.. Well love is like a rose.. It has stings and if you get too close it stings.. It will hurt but the rose is still so beautiful that you want to get close angain.. Even if you know it will sting again..

I made a big mistake yesterday.. and now I'm seeing the consequinces, I deeply hurt the woman I loved and now there is nothing I can to to make it better.. I work on a ship, and that means I can't get home to her (hoping I still have a home.. and a family to go to) for another two days.. But I know that once she sees the shape I'm in without her she will at least know that i'll love her forever even if she tells me to get my stuff and go..
If it goes that bad then it'll probably be the last post you can read here cuz after that I have nothing to fight for.. Nothing to live for.. No need to be afraid.. I'll live fourth, but what life will it be.. Before her I was nothing but a shell.. I was the man with no fear.. But it is just like they said in "daredevil" (god damn I'm going to quote a movie based on a comic book) "the man who lives with out fear.. lives without love" And that is the truth.. because the first thing I feared over a long time was the fear to lose her.. You can't be in love without the fear of losing your loved one.. And I can tell you.. I have never been so afraid..

Another thing I'd like to quote is Antoine de Saint-Exupéry - Le Petit Prince (the little prince eng.)
There is a line there.. (sadly I havn't red the book in english so the quote will be in estonian) "kui sa kellegi kodustad siis sa tema eest ka vastutad" She domesticated me.. made me into what I'm..

Once I saw a beatifoul black rose.. I wanted it so bad, that I went ant broke it for myself.. But roses dont stay in a vase forever.. So I killed the most beautifoul thing I have ever seen in my life..

Armastan sind kallis..